so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
