normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
