I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
