There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
