You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
