Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
