Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
