I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Randomize
