i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
