please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
