i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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