We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
