all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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