WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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