Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize