i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
