I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
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