Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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