you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
