last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
