I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
