my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
