sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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