im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
