sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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