My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
