well I can't set my house on fire every night
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize