I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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