I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
