forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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