nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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