at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
