I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
