I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm getting married
To pizza
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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