shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
