Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
