There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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