The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
