when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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