What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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