You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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