I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
