My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
