def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
