There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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