There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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