Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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