i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
