I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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