I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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