I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
