Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
don't judge my taste in strippers
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
