So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
