Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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