i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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