remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
