Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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