im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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